I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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