I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
