i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
