I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
