I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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