So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
