The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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