New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The Olympian is in my bed
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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