Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
