I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize