thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
