he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
