Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
