Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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