Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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