There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
and she was petting her beer can
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
