I want to make a zoo with you.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
