I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
