at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
