i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I think my vagina is haunted
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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