Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
