The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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