3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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