I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Randomize
