I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
