That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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