last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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