something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
