He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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