When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
