We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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