So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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