Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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