He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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