I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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