just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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