and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
