i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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