I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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