I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
