I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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