we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
