I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
