There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
