I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
