He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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