Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
