The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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