i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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