Will you blow on my dice?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
