I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
