tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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