They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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