she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
