I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
