can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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