Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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