I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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