If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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