Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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