This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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