Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Soap is not a condiment
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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