There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
