I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
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