I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Randomize
