I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
