Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize